Well that’s a wrap on another year. These years after college have felt completely different. They are so different from the years of school and are even more vastly different from each other. I have started out each of these years in a completely different place than I started. Time is moving so fast and I don’t feel like I have caught up with it yet. My motions and my feelings seem to be in two completely different phases. There is so much to hope and dream about that I think I tend to get too wrapped up in it. I get wrapped up in creating a future in my mind and forget that I need to connect with the present to make that happen. This space, this blog, it is the beginning of a dream that could one day become a reality. It is a road to the future I so easily get swept into fantasizing about.
I am ecstatic to be able to have a space to be creative. I have never been a “creative” individual, but it is fun to pretend and find the union of science and art. Even though this really is a fun blog to have started this year, I also find it very daunting. I find it very difficult to be confident in sending out this content. I started out by writing a post close to once a week and I loved it. I still love making the content (aka the desserts), but writing the posts has become intimidating. I love the idea of being able to write the story of each cake, but sometimes the story is too hard to tell.
Some of these stories have too much heart behind them and I am not capable of doing them justice in words. I have some posts on the back burner that are just too hard for me to even sit down and write because there is so much of myself or the people I love in them. I don’t feel as though I can do them justice. I can’t do my people justice. I know that these stories seem like nothing to some people, maybe all people, but to me they mean the world. This blog would be so much easier if I was writing recipes. Then it wouldn’t matter what I wrote because most people would just scroll to the recipe and I wouldn’t have to worry about being ornate, trying too hard, or just sounding dumb.
This past year has been a year of running. Running from one place to the next trying to figure out where I fit in and where I am supposed to be. It has been a year of loss and a year of gain. I am not sure that there can be any year in life for which that isn’t true, but this one seems different. It feels like a turning point.
I have no idea where God is leading me. I don’t know how to make decisions anymore. I don’t think I ever really knew, but I at least had some things that I was certain of. I was certain and determined to go far away for college and I with the continued and unending support of my parents made that happen. I think that is the last decision I was truly fully and completely set on. I second guess myself and play out future events like nobody’s business. This is because the unknown makes me so antsy. I just want to know. I want to know everything. I want to know where I’ll be. I want to know where I’ll go. I want to know with whom. Most of all I want to know why. Why am I here doing these things and why this way? The fun (not fun, but I need to be better at pretending it’s fun) thing about this life is that we don’t know. We don’t know where, why, when, who or how. We don’t get these answers. All we know is that we are here and it is the way that God created it.
I am a terrible talker. I have very little verbal communications skills. This is especially true when it comes myself, my feelings and desires. I would much rather listen than try to make sense of the countless spaghetti dinners of thought in my head. So here’s to making 2018 a little better than 2017 and doing better at talking it out with the people I love, adore and admire. I don’t know where I will be at the end of this year, but I hope that I’ll leave it smarter, healthier and a little less confused.
This blog has definitely given me life in this year. It has made me actively seek out activities that simultaneously bring me joy and purpose. I have made so many things this year that I am proud of and gained a confidence in the kitchen that is keeping me going. This blog makes me believe that I can do anything I set my mind to (some days). I am also grateful for all the people who are supporting me along this process. I got so many cool gadgets and gizmos for Christmas this year that I can’t wait to test out! I started by using the layer pans I got from my mom to make this cake. I’d say that this was a good one to start 2018 with! I hope that this year brings you and yours all the sweetness life offers.